Asking Eric: Friend’s meaner personality change is worrying

Dear Eric: A few years ago, I noticed a change in a close friend of more than four decades. She is beloved, kind, supportive and generous and has been a great friend over the decades. Yet, she has become more strident in her opinions, almost to the point of bullying.
She wasn’t always like this. Her husband and I are the main recipients of this behavior – I’ve seen her make fun of her husband in front of other people, but he just shrugs it off. I don’t see her doing this to her other friends and family members.
The last time I saw her, over a month ago, she called me stupid in front of other friends at a group dinner when I politely disagreed with her on a topic and a mutual friend in the group called her out on it. My friend never apologized to me. This was hurtful, and at this point, I am inclined to distance myself from her, although this is very painful because she has been an important part of my life and I’ve been a loyal friend to her.
I’m tired of being her punching bag and I don’t know why she does this, but I also don’t know what to do about it anymore.
– Frustrated Friend
Dear Friend: Different aspects of our personalities can emerge as we age, so it’s possible that this is a normal, if unfortunate, new side to your friend. But it’s also possible that it’s health related. Though her husband shrugs it off, it’s worth talking to him about whether he’s noticed any other signs of a problem and how he can help his wife to seek treatment.
With regard to your friendship, however, you should be clear that in order to remain in a relationship, you need an apology, an acknowledgment of the way you feel and a change. Even if a more irritable side of her personality has emerged, there’s no excuse for cruelty. Give her a chance to make this right before stepping away for good.
Dear Eric: I’m a newly published children’s book author and pet advocate. After my book was published, I approached a local shelter informing them I would be donating a portion of book sales to their shelter. In return, they were going to promote my book.
I presumed it would be a win-win for both parties.
A month went by before a post went out on social media. A month later, the same post ended up in their emailed newsletter. Nothing more was sent.
Later, I graciously offered to donate 10 of my books for a raffle. They were excited.
The following day I was told due to the number of raffle baskets, there wasn’t any room to hold flyers with my bio or QR codes for my book. I explained, since the event was sold out, this would be a great opportunity to offer the flyers to those who would want to buy one of my books. A portion of the proceeds would be going back to them. I never heard back.
I was upset because I felt they didn’t support me like I was supporting them. I’ve since severed my relationship with them. As far as the proceeds, I sold all the books due to my marketing. They didn’t contribute in any way. I’m considering not donating these proceeds because of their lack of support.
– Upset Author
Dear Author: Congratulations on your book. I hope this experience doesn’t dampen your excitement.
A shelter is not a marketing agency. If you care about the actual work that the shelter does, and want to see it continue, you should make good on your promise to donate. If you were hoping to use the shelter to supplement your sales, you should still make good on your promise because it’s unfair to expect an animal shelter to promote your book with the same energy and consistency that you do. While they stood to benefit, selling more books profits you the most.
From the way you’ve written it – and forgive me if this is a misreading – you approached the shelter with a fully formed plan. Did you consider their capacity for promotional support? I’m worried you had an unrealistic expectation and that’s what’s causing your resentment.
It would be different if this was structured as a partnership between you and the shelter, because then both parties could decide if the work was worth the projected income. But you presented it as a donation. When you get a tax receipt for a donation, most, if not all, nonprofits state that the gift was not given in return for goods or services. So, it will help you to think of your donation as being free and clear of stipulations and structure any future arrangements differently.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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